Why Did I Get All the Bad Stuff?

sad_girl_by_jordansart-d31brd4“Mom, I got all the bad stuff, and Mackenzie didn’t get any of it. Why did I have to get those things and not her?” Talee has asked this question many times over the years. It broke my heart when she compared herself to her sister.

Talee would say, “Listen to all the bad things I have: anxiety and panic attacks. Asthma when I play sports. I had to go to speech therapy to learn to say my ‘R’s’ and ‘L’s.’ I faint or throw up when I get shots or see blood. I have allergies and have to put spray in my nose almost every day. I tore my ACL (playing basketball) and had surgery. I had braces and Mackenzie didn’t. All Mackenzie ever had was a little acid reflux and she just couldn’t drink orange juice for a month. That’s not fair.”

I wondered what to say to her. She had a point. It didn’t seem fair.

I told her that if I could, I’d take it all away. I tried to stay positive and remind Talee of the good traits she inherited. She’s super logical. She’s smart. She has a lot of patience. She’s very compassionate. She’s always had a big circle of friends. She’s beautiful, inside and out. She’s confident, happy, and loves life, despite her challenges. Maybe because of them.

The other day, Talee and I spent a fun day together. It was jam packed with doctor and dentist appointments, and lots of shopping for home items. She’s moving into a new house in September, and will be starting her third year of college.

The conversation came up again during lunch on our shopping day. We talked about how often she used to ask why she got all the bad stuff.Β  She laughed a little and said, “But Mom, it’s true! Why did I?”

Now that she’s older, she realizes I don’t have the answer.

Talee was forced to face her difficulties at a young age. She’s figured out the best ways to handle them. She’s learned she must lie down when getting a shot, so she won’t pass out. She turns away when she sees blood. If she feels a panic attack coming on (which thankfully is very rare), she can control it.

I’d love to say Talee has outgrown all of her problems. But as those with anxiety or other mental illnesses know, they don’t completely disappear. I’m aware of that firsthand, as I’ve dealt with panic attacks since I was a child.Β  I rarely feel panicky anymore. But I can’t say that I will never have a panic attack again. The fear of it is still there, lurking deep insideΒ  my subconscious.

As mature and confident as Talee is now, I can still picture my little girl looking up at me with her big, blue eyes, wanting to know why she got all the bad stuff.

All I could think was, I’m sorry.

***

Image courtesy of: http://on-select.com/gal/s/sad-baby-girl-in-love/

 

 

 

 

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67 thoughts on “Why Did I Get All the Bad Stuff?

  1. Oh bless her xxx It goes without saying of course that it’s not your fault, but I am a mum too and I know all you want to do is hug her and say “sorry for not making you as perfect as you deserve”. But being there for her, believe me, is already a huge gift for her πŸ™‚

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  2. It’s always so hard to see your child suffer in any way. You just want to wipe it all away for them- I know, because one of my sons (now grown) had big challenges at a very young age. All you can do is love them, and I can tell how much you love your little girl. πŸ™‚

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    • Elizabeth, thanks so much for your nice words! Yes, that’s how I felt, just wanted to wipe it all away. That’s impossible, so as parents, we just need to be there for support and lots and lots of love to our children. I hope your son is doing well.

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  3. You have done an amazing job with your daughter, and you have travelled this road together and now look at her at college.

    She is heading towards a productive life, she will be kind because she know’s what is to overcome life’s many challenges especially with MH, there might have been some “bad stuff” the good stuff far outweighs the bad.

    Take care..

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh, I completely agree! The good stuff far outweighs the bad. Sometimes I’m amazed when I look at her now, and realize how far she’s come. She used to be painfully shy and so anxious. Now she’s grown into such a confident young woman. Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. As a child I have thought this, but never once blamed either parent! As an adult of child-bearing age I pray that I now do not pass any of this down to a child! I fear that I will have to feel what my parents did as they see all I have had to deal with and how much they constantly apologize for as if it their fault which I never voiced and have constantly told them it was nothing they could control it was God’s plan and I am strong. Though I said the words and now I believe them it was hard as a child and took a lot out of me to stay strong for them because I saw how it hurt! I know they would take the pain away if they could! Just know you are doing the best you can and keep giving her all the comfort you can because she will know you have been there for her!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. I never blamed my parents either. My mom had depression, and my doctor told me the depression/anxiety is hereditary. But I never, ever thought to blame her. It just happened. And same thing with my daughter. I felt bad because she inherited it from me. I felt horrible, knowing how frightening panic attacks are. But, because I knew and had experienced it, I could help her in ways that my husband (without panic attacks) could not. We do the best we can, be there for support. And the child knows that, can feel that love. You sound like a very strong person! Take care!

      Liked by 3 people

      • Believe me though she may have voiced it she knows you guys are there for her and she will find at times! I have suffered panic attacks and they are the absolute worst! My parents suffer them too and my husband still cannot figure out how to comfort me. I feel worse for him than anyone else because he is the odd man out to figure out how to comfort people in these situations! I am putting together a little ‘journal of tips’ for my future child to help him/her in case they do inherit from me. Because once you are in the midst of one it is hard to explain but in between this will be easier to read and help from my experiences, I hope!

        Liked by 2 people

      • That’s such a great idea! You’re being proactive, which is wonderful. And even if your child doesn’t get panic attacks (one of mine had them, one never did), then your child can read your journal and will better understand what you go through. At first my husband couldn’t understand why I “can’t just get over it and calm down.” I couldn’t explain why. Then Talee got panic attacks and he finally understood how much they affect someone. I really love your journal idea!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you! I got it from watching shows/ movies where one parent doesn’t survive and leaves a gift to open when the child reached 16, 18, etc…I have MG and thought ppl live longs lives with that, we never know how long any of us have and this could help if they ever have questions and we are not there to answer or feel to uncomfortable to have the verbal talk. This opens a line of communication for them to ask questions and start a conversation with someone if not you!

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  5. I think as Mothers nothing is more difficult than the questions that we can not answer, and the things that are beyond our ability to fix. I like to believe that the children who possess the most unanswerable qualities are the ones destined to change everyone they meet in the most extraordinary ways. πŸ˜‰ Great post. G-uno

    Liked by 3 people

  6. When she was younger, my older daughter used to tell me that my younger daughter and myself were the crazy ones. Now that she’s older she understands there are just different types of crazy πŸ˜‰

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  7. I seem to be in the same position as your daughter. Everything has happened to me or I’ve inherited everything and she has for the most part been spared! While I have thought these things I’ve never blamed my parents or family, unless they are not being supportive (which happens at times πŸ˜”). When you have these issues that are out of your control sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else because you can’t figure out a reason why. It’s not personal though 😊.

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    • I totally get that. My mom had depression and my doctor told me I inherited my anxiety from her. I never blamed her. But my two sisters didn’t get panic attacks, and I did wonder why I got it and they didn’t. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, I knew that. Now that I’m older, I realize they have problems and difficulties that I don’t have. I guess we just deal with what we have, and make the most of all of it! πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing!

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  8. I know I have told my high school age daughter I’m sorry. She had her first panic attack this week . It crushed me. I just hope she doesn’t get bipolar. My shrink told me the teens are when mental stuff shows up, but she’s had anxiety since age 6. She used to pull out her lashes. I wish I didn’t pass this crap on, but you give me hope bc it sounds like you and she have figured out how to deal with it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m sorry to hear your daughter just had a panic attack. I know how you feel. When Talee told me (as best she could) her symptoms when she was 10, I swear my heart dropped. I knew she’d had a panic attack, even though her explanation was so vague. There is hope, Traci. And because you completely understand what she’s going through, that’s going to help. She won’t feel so alone, because she knows you know how she feels. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. She told me mommy my fear is very bad. I can’t breathe. It’s like I can’t get enough oxygen. We were on the phone and I knew what it was. I helped her with breathing and I explained what was happening in her body. Her distress triggered my distress; I had to take a break and call her back twice. Until the next crisis…… I would like to be calmer next time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Talee’s doctor put her on meds when she couldn’t go to school for many days in a row. He said when they can’t live their normal life, it’s time to try. So we did. And thankfully, she had great results!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry to heat that traci. I may never fully understand those who had these types of problems and have panic attacks. I have my share of anxiety and depression mostly because of disability, being bullied, bad circumstances but I always managed to get over it myself through reading and sharing since I’m usually the one my family depended on even at times I want to depend on someone. I also thought why did I get all the bad stuff as I’m the only one with physical disability and not good looking in my family but I focus on my good points so I’ve survived. Your daughter is very blessed to have you and your family to support them, they appreciate them I’m sure and they are on their way to becoming healthier with your help. Both of you are such great moms! I hope I’ll be as good as you both to my son.

        Liked by 2 people

      • I’m sorry for your pain, but I love how you keep rising up out of the muddy waters, like a lotus flower. Thanks for your kind words. I hear that I’m a good writer from lots of people. You are inspiring 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  9. This is a very inspirational post and I’m sorry your daughter and you have had to deal with these things. You’re right, it doesn’t always seem fair. The truth is that there’s no reason that we go through it and others don’t, it’s just something we have to deal with and get through. I hope you and your daughter know how great you’ve been doing.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Sometimes I do say damn genetics!!!!
    Her father is ocd /some hoarding but denies any of it. He is also very moody. My family had bipolar depression anxiety and ocd. My daughter also has ocd. My shrink says your poor daughter with this gene pool. Yea it sucks😳
    We are divorced and he can’t face her issues; he constantly says she’s not you.
    It drives me crazy😑😈

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am not a religious person persay….but I have been told hat people are given what they can take care of, maybe the reason she got more than her sister is she is the stronger of the two, mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe she is the special one….and was given what her sister couldn’t handle, so that makes her a very good sister indeed….just a thought….and I can understand how you felt, my daughter was never very athletic and she always asked why she was never picked for teams, or why she was laughed at when she ran, and why it was so hard to play baseball, basket ball, or any sport for that matter….I had no answers for her…but pointed out all her good traits….sounds like your grew up into a beautiful young woman…mine grew up running triathlons…LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • Did she really? That’s awesome! You have a very good point about all this. Made me think about something else. Talee is very athletic, especially in basketball. She’s the one who got the sports-induced asthma. That was really difficult, she was so competitive and aggressive on the court, yet had these awful times where she almost couldn’t breathe because of asthma. But she kept going. Nothing stopped her. I was always so proud of that. Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 2 people

  12. I’m sure Talee appreciates everything you did for her that she is now an enjoying her adult life despite still having difficulties. I’ve grew up with an alcoholic father and wants to blame him for all our sufferings but I’ve realized it affected me negatively than it affected him. Now that I’m a mother I worry so much on how I will be able to raise a child especially in this society we have now but I still maintain my positive views. You are a very good mother as you are able to raise a wonderful daughter. I have a long way to go compared to you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment! I just saw this, and not sure why I wasn’t notified of it before. I really appreciate your kind words. That must have been so difficult, growing up with an alcoholic father. You’re right, as parents, we need to have a positive view (even though the world can be often be viewed as negative. Take care, and thanks again for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Challenges like these teach someone a lot about life as well as about themselves, and can even bring out the beauty in someone as they face these issues in fortitude and confidence. It is great that your daughter is doing well now.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I could have asked the same thing when I was a child, why I always got all the bad stuff. I really wish I could understand, put logic to it, find an answer. It’s good to hear she had a supportive parent. I only wish I’d had that experience growing up.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Reblogged this on Under the Guise of Glitter and commented:
    This is an emotional and very amazing peace. I read it twice with tears in my eyes. I had no one to compare myself too, but I had all the bad stuff. My GK used to tell me it was because I was strong enough to hold it all. As I got older I learned that no matter what life threw at me (and it had thrown a lot) That somehow I was able to take care of it all.

    Now I have to answer the question to my 8 year old son with Aspergers. But the answer is so simple now…Because you are a super awesome kiddo my darlin, and the higher powers gave you the strength to persevere. He smiles and looks at me and says something to the effect of…You just made now sense, but thats ok, I know i have to because it’s your my Mom

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love the answer to tell your son. That he is absolutely amazing and strong. You’re an amazing woman and mom! Thank you so much for sharing and for reblogging. I’m touched by what you said and appreciate it so very, very much. Take care!

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