Digging Deep to Find My Why

I’ve been hearing a lot about “finding your why“—on podcasts, in articles, on social media—and I can’t stop thinking about it. The term isn’t new to me, but before now, I’ve never stopped to really reflect on it. Maybe I’m obsessing about it because I’m at a crossroads and feel overwhelmed… even sometimes a bit lost.

In the past twelve months, there have been huge changes in my life. My mom and dad both dealt with serious illnesses, and they passed away five months apart from each other. They were an incredible part of my life and it’s surreal they’re not here anymore.

Another substantial turning point for my husband and me involves major business decisions, including upcoming retirement. Life is (and has been) changing—big time.

All of this leaves me wondering what the rest of my life is going to look like. When we retire, my husband and I want to travel and renovate our house. But on a deeper, more personal level, what do I want for ME? What do I want to accomplish?

Back to the question: What is my why? (shouldn’t I already know this?)

Sounds like this requires some heavy soul-searching. I’ve been confused where to even start.

I went online and did a little research. Your why is your purpose. Why is it important to know your why? Because it helps clarify what you truly want out of life and what you need to do to get there. Your why can be thought of as your North Star, guiding you to make decisions.

When trying to pinpoint your purpose, here are some things to think about:

What are your values? Your strengths? Your passions? Your motivations?

I value my family, friendships, health, and travel. As for the next three—my strengths, passions, and motivations—here’s part of my list: Writing, particularly about mental health. Speaking about mental health, especially to youth. Gardening. My tomatoes are sprouting and the new roses I just planted are gorgeous! My happy place is the beach. I strive to live a simple life, filled with joy and peace, trying my best to keep stress and anxiety at low levels.

As I continued my research, I came across something that totally clicked. It’s an article (courtesy of circlein.com) showing ways to structure your why statement:

To (insert contribution) so that (insert impact). An example: To leave a positive influence on people’s lives so that they can realize their true potential.

Here’s mine: To show kindness, compassion, and empathy so that people affected by mental health conditions won’t feel alone.

I feel good about my why statement. But this is only one portion of my life. What about the rest of the things that are important to me? I called my sister Terri, who’s a health coach.

“There’s no limit to your whys,” Terri said. “You can have as many as you want. Some people have one business and one personal, but others have more than that. There’s no rule about this… they’re YOUR whys.”

Terri explained a health coaching technique she uses that shed light on the process of finding my why and how it relates to my goals. Here’s how it works:

She asks clients what they want to achieve. Say someone mentions losing weight.

Terri will ask why do they want to lose weight? So I’ll be thinner.

Why do you want to be thinner? So my blood pressure and diabetes get under control.

Why do you want your blood pressure and diabetes under control? So I’m healthy.

Why do you want to be healthy? So I can travel with my family and be here to play with and get to know my grandchildren.

AHA! There it is. The crux of this whole exercise.

Ask yourself why, why, why to get to your REAL why. The point is it’s often the deeper meaning that gives you the desire and energy to continue and reach your goals.

Finding my why is overwhelming! But at least I’ve got a good start.

Why do I want to find my why? To know my purpose in life.

Why do I want to know my purpose? So I can use the talents God gave me to leave a positive impact on the world. Also, to be sure I accomplish all I want in life.

Why do I want to be sure to accomplish all the things I want in life? Because of something my mom told me when she was first diagnosed with dementia. “Make sure you do the things you want to do because one day you won’t be able to.”

A New Mindset

A few weeks ago, I watched a vlog by Danny at Dream Big, Dream Often that inspired me. I keep thinking about it and have been trying to incorporate it into my life. So I thought I’d share it here, in case you hadn’t seen it.

The main point is simple: Instead of focusing on what you need to stop doing, focus on what you need to start doing.

Danny said, “We don’t have to focus on quitting anything. Just keep doing enough of the right stuff and the negative will not have room in your life.”

The positive changes will eventually push out the negative behaviors.

It’s important to make a plan and stick to it. Here are some ideas:

Instead of Saying: 

1. I have to stop eating junk food.
2. I need to quit watching so much TV.
3. I should spend less time on social media.
4. I need to lose weight.
5. I need to stop wasting money.

Say This, and Make a Positive Change: 

1. I’ll add more fruits and veggies into my diet. Have blueberries, strawberries, or apples with my yogurt. Eat carrots and hummus at lunch with my sandwich. Make broccoli or grilled zucchini and peppers with my chicken at dinner.
2. I’m going to read more. Go to the bookstore and browse for a good book or magazine.
3. I’ll call a friend. Make plans to meet for coffee or lunch.
4. I’m going to take a walk every day. Can be short or long, just get out and do it. Wear my Fitbit or pedometer to count my steps.
5. I’ll make my lunch two or three days a week. Make my own iced coffee.

These may or may not apply to you. But the idea remains the same. Add positive  behaviors to replace the negative ones.

Here’s the link to watch Danny’s vlog. Sign up on his YouTube channel for more inspiration!

First image courtesy of here

Second image courtesy of here

Big Changes

Four years ago, my husband and I took our youngest daughter Talee to college. Time has flown. This weekend we’ll watch her graduate.

I clearly remember moving her in to the freshman dorm. Walking up three flights of stairs multiple times on a hot September day, our arms filled with everything she could possibly need: clothes, shoes, school supplies, toiletries, bedding, and decorations to make it homey. She was excited to meet her two roommates. I hoped and prayed they’d have a great year.

It was difficult for me to believe my little girl was going to live away from me for the first time. Talee had severe separation anxiety in preschool. Growing up, she’d been painfully shy. In fourth grade, she had anxiety and so many panic attacks that she missed several weeks of school.

Talee matured into a strong, smart, and confident young woman. She was still nervous about starting college and living on her own, but knew she was ready.

It was bittersweet. I was proud of her and happy she was beginning an amazing adventure. But I didn’t know how I was going to manage without her at home. It was hard enough when our oldest daughter, Mackenzie, moved out. Now both girls would be gone.

On that freshman move-in day, I tried not to dwell on my status as an empty nester. I focused on organizing Talee’s new  space. It seemed an impossible task to fit three girls and all their stuff into a tiny room. Somehow we managed.

By late afternoon it was time for the welcome celebration in the football stadium. Excitement and nervous energy filled the air. Students, anticipating living the college dream. Parents, anticipating life without their children at home.

The band played, the president of the university spoke, and cheerleaders helped rally the crowd.

The speech that impacted me the most was given by Paul Wesselmann, The Ripples Guy, a motivational speaker. I’ll never forget what he said. This isn’t word for word, but it’s the basic idea of what he told us:

“Parents, I need you to really listen. Your children are beginning a new adventure, adjusting to life without you close by. They’ll have successes, but there will be missteps along the way. Let them know you love them. Be patient. Be kind.”

And then he said this:

“Students, I need you to really listen. Your parents are beginning a new adventure, adjusting to life without you close by. They’ll have successes, but there will be missteps along the way. Let them know you love them. Be patient. Be kind.”

The woman in front of me couldn’t stop crying. I choked back tears. The end of the ceremony came too fast. In a whirlwind, my husband and I gave Talee huge hugs, kisses, and told her she’d do great.

Talee learned a lot about life in the past four years. College was everything she’d hoped it would be — and much, much more. It’s going to be so hard for her to say goodbye.

Huge changes are coming. She was hired at a wonderful company and will be working in the city. She’ll commute from home for at least a few months. Working in the real world (at a “big girl job,” as she calls it), will be challenging for her to get used to. She’ll miss her friends, sorority sisters, classes, and of course, her boyfriend.

It’s going to be an adjustment for my husband and me as well. We’re thrilled she’s moving back home, we love having her and Mackenzie around. But it’ll be different.

Life is changing. I know it’ll all work out. Right now, I’m looking forward to the graduation ceremony this weekend.

Once again, we’ll head into the football stadium where it began. We’ll watch Talee walk in her cap and gown while Pomp and Circumstance plays. We’ll listen to speeches and cheer as the graduates toss their caps high into the air.

When I’m sitting in the stands, I’ll think about how far Talee has come. From a shy little girl with anxiety and panic attacks, to a confident college graduate with a bright future ahead. A shining example of hope.

One season of life is ending. Another is about to begin.

First image courtesy of here

Paul Wesselmann’s website is here

Second image courtesy of here

A Healthy Body and Mind

I read this quote a few times before it completely sunk in. Our bodies don’t decide how we live. But our bodies certainly do reflect our lifestyle and the choices that we make.

I’m not talking just about eating healthful foods instead of junk food. Or even about exercising, drinking lots of water, getting enough sleep, and not smoking. These habits are a major part of overall health. But they’re not everything.

You can run five miles a day, substitute quinoa for white rice, carrot sticks for Cheetos, and drink two liters of water, yet still feel unhealthy and unhappy.

Attention must be paid to good mental and emotional health, as well as being physically fit.

Mind, body, spirit.

For me, this means feeling happy and fulfilled. Having a purpose. Using my talents in a constructive way, to improve my life and help others. It means having a strong marriage and good relationships with family and friends. A positive attitude. Faith.

It doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time or always feel like I’m being productive. If I’ve had a disagreement with my husband, if there’s a problem at our business, or if I’m  overwhelmed with money issues, then I don’t feel good, no matter how health-conscious I think I’m being.

When something isn’t going right, it makes my whole body feel ‘off.’ My stress and unhappiness is mirrored in how my body feels.

Here are some issues that can drag us down, mentally and emotionally:

• Feeling lonely
• Being miserable in a relationship
• A stressful job
• Money worries
• A constant, negative attitude
• No spiritual connection
• Needing to lose weight
• Health concerns

It’s not easy to change these around. But if we take a deep look at what truly is making us unhappy and unfulfilled, then actions can be taken to improve that situation. The first step is getting at the root of the problem.

Years ago I had a job that literally made me sick. I was under extreme stress. I stayed because I had just graduated college and needed to make money. I didn’t want to feel like a failure by quitting. I didn’t want others to think I couldn’t handle a full-time job.

My joints were swollen and painful, I was tired all the time, and cried almost every morning before work. When I finally quit, it was like a one hundred pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. I instantly felt better. Soon my body wasn’t sore, I had more energy, and I smiled and laughed easier. My only regret was that it took me too long to leave.

Change is difficult. But sometimes it’s what we must do for our health and well-being.

Here’s a checklist of what I strive for:

• A positive attitude, a life filled with optimism and happiness
• Minimal stress and anxiety
• Strong marriage and relationships with my daughters
• Strong network of family and friends
• A meaningful way to spend my days
• Good business decisions
• Creativity (I love writing, photography, gardening, baking)
• Strong faith
• Good nutrition and exercise
• Getting enough sleep
• Practicing mindfulness and meditation

These take time and effort to incorporate into a daily routine. It’s about making good choices and practicing healthy habits.

Having a happy, healthy body makes it all worthwhile.

 

Stuck

Change is hard. But sometimes it’s exactly what we need.

Layers

We’re hosting Thanksgiving, as we do every year. It’s one of my favorite meals to make (and eat). Our daughters, Mackenzie and Talee, love the  tradition of Thanksgiving in our home. This time there will be eighteen of us, sharing a wonderful meal and giving thanks.

I want everyone to sit in the dining room, so I’m adding tables and working on different seating arrangements. My fall tablecloths, candles, and glittered leaves will help transform the room for our bountiful feast.

As I was cleaning and decluttering this past weekend, I thought about the years  it’s taken to create our home the way my husband and I envisioned it to be. It’s changed to meet our needs as our family grew. We’ve renovated and added our touches to the house, bit by bit. But it’s always had the basic foundation we started with.

Once I heard an interior designer say, “The best way to decorate is in layers.” First is the paint and floors. Then furniture, rugs, window treatments, and lighting. Last is personal touches, like paintings, mirrors, family photographs, and treasures found in our travels.

It takes time to arrange those layers. And once we do, we might leave it the same way forever, or we might change it up every six months. My family and I have lived in our home for sixteen years. We’ve painted  the walls several different colors, have bought new furniture, sold furniture that outgrew our style, and have even altered the way we use certain rooms.

It’s kind of like life. We grow, learn, and change many times. I guess it’s the opposite of peeling back layers of an onion. It’s more like adding different dimensions to the people we are.

The foundation is our family and childhood. Then we branch out, and add new layers. Our education, faith, relationships, and health all mix together to form us.

It takes years to develop into the people we strive to be. And just when we think we’re there, something happens. A different career, a marriage starting or ending, a birth, an illness, or a death.

A renovation is underway. Another layer is being created.

We’re in different phases of life, but all of us are works in progress. The transformation never ends. When one layer is complete, another begins.  That’s the beauty in living.

First image courtesy of: http://www.leesvilletaproom.com/gorgeous-thanksgiving-tablescapes/

Second image courtesy of: http://2010-2014.commerce.gov/blog/2011/11/23/thanksgiving-day-november-24-2011