When ABC’s Chief National Correspondent Matt Gutman Reached Out to Me About Panic Disorder

On January 7, 2021, I received an email that completely took me off guard. The subject line read: “fellow panicker calling.” The note was brief, saying he found my blog and wanted to know if we could chat on the phone. It was signed Matt Gutman, ABC News Chief National Correspondent.

WHAT?

I was used to seeing emails from people who had read my blog or an article I’d written, and were inquiring about panic and anxiety. But a reporter from ABC News? Was it real, was it spam? I wondered why he wanted to talk to me. Was he really struggling with panic attacks? Was he doing a story on mental health? And if he did have panic attacks, I thought about how incredibly hard that would be while working in broadcast news.

A significant part of this is when he emailed me. I remember the date clearly.

January 5, 2021 was a big day for me. For the first six years of my blog, I was anonymous. I never said my real name, where I was from, and never ever posted a picture of myself. When I started Peace from Panic, I chose to use a pen name, as I wrote about my struggles with mental illness, specifically, panic disorder. Stigma had kept me quiet for twenty years. I wasn’t ready to divulge my true identity with the rest of the world while sharing something so personal.

In December 2020, I was one-hundred percent ready to end my anonymity. Over Christmas break, my daughters helped give my site a complete makeover, took photos of me, and even made edits on my “coming out” post. I was nervous, but mostly excited. It felt great to let everyone know the real me.

January 5, 2021: the big reveal on my blog.

January 6, 2021: the attack on the U.S. Capitol.

January 7, 2021: Matt reached out.

An hour after I saw Matt’s email, I overcame my hesitations and called him. We had a wonderful, in-depth conversation. Turns out he truly did suffer from panic attacks. The frightening symptoms were at times debilitating and threatening his livelihood as an on-air reporter. Especially difficult, as panic came on most often while he was about to start—or while in the middle of—a live shot. It’s hard to imagine the terror of having a panic attack while tens of millions of people are watching, as you’re trying to remember what to say and sound intelligible.  

We never know what people are going through. Mental illness may not be visible on the outside, but on the inside, that person might be crumbling.

Matt was very curious about my story and how I’d managed to mostly recover. We had several things in common—panic disorder being the first. But also, journalism. In college, I majored in broadcast journalism. After graduation, I had a job waiting at a local TV station in Montana. I didn’t take it, as I would soon be marrying my husband. I told Matt that looking back, even though I missed covering breaking news, I was glad I didn’t go to Montana and make a career out of it. I doubted I’d be able to handle being on air with panic attacks, and also symptoms of depersonalization and derealization.

I thought Matt was brave to stick with it. He’s what I think of as an extremely adventurous reporter, not afraid to be right in the front line of breaking news, and doing so while millions of viewers are watching his every move. He seems to thrive in that environment. He’s been at the forefront of huge national and international stories. He’s traveled all over the world, broadcasting from war zones and natural disasters. He was detained by Venezuelan police for five days. He was in Ukraine during the Russian invasion. He appears fearless. Nothing holds him back.

Except panic attacks.

Matt got to the point where he couldn’t bear to keep his panic a secret anymore. Doing so is exhausting, I know that firsthand. He desperately searched for ways to help get rid of, or greatly minimize, his panic. To me, he seemed like the type of person with fierce determination who wouldn’t give up until he found an answer.

Over the past two and a half years, we’ve kept in contact, checking in on each other. About a year ago, he told me he was writing a book on his panic journey. And what a journey it has been.

In his memoir, NO TIME TO PANIC, Matt talks with experts including doctors, scholars, and shamans. He’s experimented with many types of treatment in search of healing, from conventional therapy and medications to ayahuasca (a tea with hallucinogenic properties) to ketamine psychedelic therapy.

Even though we live relatively close, we had never seen each other in person. When he told me he was doing a book tour, first stop in Los Angeles on September 12 (date of his book release), I knew I had to go. He’d be in an intimate conversation with Mayim Bialik. I’m a fan of Mayim’s (Big Bang Theory, Jeopardy), and love that she speaks openly about mental health.

Matt and Mayim’s talk was heartfelt and honest, recounting Matt’s harrowing journey with panic disorder and his adventures to find answers. The best part of the evening was finally— after two and a half years of talking, emailing, and sending DMs on Instagram about our personal struggles with panic disorder—we got to see each other in person and give each other a great big hug.

I recently finished reading NO TIME TO PANIC, and it’s incredible. This is a must-read for anyone affected by anxiety and panic—either the person with the illness or their loved ones. Matt masterfully weaves expertly researched science (he makes it so relatable and at times funny) with his own personal story. The details of his experiences are so clearly written, it felt like I was right there with him. Matt’s journey is filled with self-doubt and shame, but also with hope and self-acceptance. His vulnerability helps others know they are not alone.

And guess what? Yes! I’m in the book! I feel fortunate and proud to be Matt’s friend and part of his story. And I’m so glad he’s part of mine.